There are times when I write about my children or the way I
adore my husband and I write with brutal honesty. I have come to the conclusion that there hasn't even been a word to describe the love I have for these people....but I write about it and them because it's easy for me. It's easy to write about these amazing people who deserve for wonderful things to be written about them.
However, when it comes to writing about myself, I find I hide. I write about the easy things, like being a mom and wife. The things
all Mom's write about like car pooling and cleaning the house. I don't seem to ever really open up about things that are bothering me or things that have made me who I am. The more I think about it I think it is because I am afraid of offending people. I can picture it all so clearly in my head. Someone sitting down and reading my blog (which is a riot in itself, because like 5 people read it) and reacting with a "Wow, I can't believe she put that out there for the world to read!" I feel judged before I even write the stinking thing.
and I can't really tell you why I
want to write about certain things. Maybe because it is bothering me, or on my mind? Maybe because like I have said before there are like 5 people who actually read this so it is more like an online journal than an actual blog. Which is really ok with me. I have always looked at it like an online scrapbook for my kids. Reilly already asks me on a daily basis if I have written anything today. (Which I find totally awesome because she is interested and YES I do include her in the 5 people!)
That all being said...
Here goes...
At the beginning of the year...Ryan and I started considering another baby...
Now let's get this straight...
I walked out of the hospital from delivering Reagan saying to Ryan "Let me know when you are ready for the next one"...
He laughed at me.
and along the way I kept saying..."you ready?"
We have always wanted 3 or 4 kids...not that we can afford that many kids... but I always knew I wasn't done with two.
Reagan turned 4 and I thought it was time to go get checked out.
My body has failed me.
I know I should get over it, I have two beautiful children, whom I adore. I should be grateful and move the heck on. Well then why can't I. Why the heck can't I get over this?
Is is because I had no intentions of
really being done yet? Is it the mere fact that I didn't get to make the choice to be done having kids or is it because I wasn't really done? Seriously, babies are EVERYWHERE .I ache for another baby. I
ache emotionally. I
ache mentally. I
ache physically. I am MAD. I am mad that there are people out there that shouldn't be able to procreate and yet they have 5, 6,7 kids...and here Ryan and I are... we love kids...we're doing ok as parents...and nope...not so much for us.
People keep telling me that I am being selfish. That I have two beautiful daughters and I should be happy with what I have. Some people don't even have that. Well here's the thing. I get what they are saying... but it doesn't make the pain of knowing I will NEVER hold another one of OUR babies in my arms. One doesn't make the other go away.
I try not to talk about it too much, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable. There is nothing they can do about it...and they feel bad. They don't know what to say to me...because deep down...they know I am right....
I have sat back and waiting for this feeling to go away...but instead it is growing. I hide it, I tuck it away and pretend that it isn't there... I make jokes about it....but the things is....
I am not just sad...
I am crushed.
I am so upset that my body has let me down like this. That I don't have a choice. That other Mother's...older than me...still have these choices...and I don't. What did I do to deserve this?
There is this huge part of me that is so upset that Ryan will never have a son. I know.... I know there are plenty of men out there that don't have sons...AND....Ryan is such a great Dad to daughters...but that man was
BORN to have a son...or SONS.
One of the hardest things is no having an answer for people when they say things like..."isn't it time for you guys to have another one?" or "Aren't you guys going to try just one more time...see if you'll get that boy?" There is this huge part of me that wants to answer honestly. and to be honest...sometimes I do. and other times...most of the time... I just smile and shake my head.
There is a part of my that is empty. I wonder sometimes if it will always be that way...or if someday...It won't hurt so bad... I wish I knew. I guess...we'll just wait and see.
