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Thursday, February 10, 2011

It's over.

There are times when I write about my children or the way I adore my husband and I write with brutal honesty.  I have come to the conclusion that there hasn't even been a word to describe the love I have for these people....but I write about it and them because it's easy for me.  It's easy to write about these amazing people who deserve for wonderful things to be written about them.

However, when it comes to writing about myself, I find I hide.  I write about the easy things, like being  a mom and wife.  The things all Mom's write about like car pooling and cleaning the house.  I don't seem to ever really open up about things that are bothering me or things that have made me who I am.  The more I think about it I think it is because I am afraid of offending people.  I can picture it all so clearly in my head. Someone sitting down and reading my blog (which is a riot in itself, because like 5 people read it) and reacting with a "Wow, I can't believe she put that out there for the world to read!"  I feel judged before I even write the stinking thing.

and I can't really tell you why I want to write about certain things.  Maybe because it is bothering me, or on my mind?  Maybe because like I have said before there are like 5 people who actually read this so it is more like an online journal than an actual blog.  Which is really ok with me.  I have always looked at it like an online scrapbook for my kids.  Reilly already asks me on a daily basis if I have written anything today.  (Which I find totally awesome because she is interested and YES I do include her in the 5 people!)

That all being said...

Here goes...

At the beginning of the year...Ryan and I started considering another baby...
Now let's get this straight...
I walked out of the hospital from delivering Reagan saying to Ryan "Let me know when you are ready for the next one"...

He laughed at me.

and along the way I kept saying..."you ready?"

We have always wanted 3 or 4 kids...not that we can afford that many kids... but I always knew I wasn't done with two. 

Reagan turned 4 and I thought it was time to go get checked out.


My body has failed me.
I know I should get over it, I have two beautiful children, whom I adore.  I should be grateful and move the heck on.  Well then why can't I.  Why the heck can't I get over this?

Is is because I had no intentions of really being done yet?  Is it the mere fact that I didn't get to make the choice to be done having kids or is it because I wasn't really done?  Seriously, babies are EVERYWHERE .I ache for another baby. I ache emotionally. I ache mentally. I ache  physically.  I am MAD.  I am mad that there are people out there that shouldn't be able to procreate and yet they have 5, 6,7 kids...and here Ryan and I are... we love kids...we're doing ok as parents...and nope...not so much for us.

People keep telling me that I am being selfish.  That I have two beautiful daughters and I should be happy with what I have.  Some people don't even have that.  Well here's the thing.  I get what they are saying... but it doesn't make the pain of knowing I will NEVER hold another one of OUR babies in my arms.  One doesn't make the other go away.

I try not to talk about it too much, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.  There is nothing they can do about it...and they feel bad.  They don't know what to say to me...because deep down...they know I am right....

I have sat back and waiting for this feeling to go away...but instead it is growing.  I hide it, I tuck it away and pretend that it isn't there... I make jokes about it....but the things is....

I am not just sad...

I am crushed.

I am so upset that my body has let me down like this.  That I don't have a choice.  That other Mother's...older than me...still have these choices...and I don't.  What did I do to deserve this? 
There is this huge part of me that is so upset that Ryan will never have a son.  I know.... I know there are plenty of men out there that don't have sons...AND....Ryan is such a great Dad to daughters...but that man was BORN to have a son...or SONS.

One of the hardest things is no having an answer for people when they say things like..."isn't it time for you guys to have another one?" or "Aren't you guys going to try just one more time...see if you'll get that boy?"  There is this huge part of me that wants to answer honestly.  and to be honest...sometimes I do.  and other times...most of the time... I just smile and shake my head.

There is a part of my that is empty.  I wonder sometimes if it will always be that way...or if someday...It won't hurt so bad... I wish I knew.  I guess...we'll just wait and see.

8 comments:

5ennie said...

Hi Jen, I'm a new reader of your blog, so maybe you have 6 readers now ;-)

I am so sorry you are not able to conceive again. We struggled with infertility for years before we had our babies, and it was the most difficult time in my life. People would say the most hurtful things (while trying to help, I guess).

One important thing I learned was to grieve my losses. Even though we did end up having kids, at the time I had the right to grieve the loss of not being pregnant (every month), I had the right to grieve the loss of having a baby when I was young, I had the right to grieve the loss of having a baby when my friends had theirs, and so on. Giving myself permission to cry and take time processing my pain helped.

I haven't followed your blog long enough to know where you are on your faith journey, but clinging to God helped me (and having times of crying out my pain & anger too).

People aren't as aware of secondary infertility, but I hope you find a support group (either near you or online), I think you'd find it a blessing.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jen said...

Thank for your support! It means so much to know there are people out there who understand! SO glad to have a 6th reader!

wishinstarbaby said...

Ok, so, where do I really begin? Hmmm. We will start with the fact that YOU have helped me in ways you will never understand and that I will never be able to put into words. It isn't fair. It sucks. You and Ryan, I have said it before, I want to be you. I wish that I could do it for you. We have joked about my good eggs and your good baby baking machine. (and lets face it, it would just be that funny to explain that you are the mommy and I am the mommy) And yes, we are both believers in that everything happens for a reason, and this, for both of us, there should be a better reason!!! I love you, and I hate that I can not fix this for you. I hate that I cant say all the maybe's and it could still happens and the God works in funny ways, but I cant, because I know that it may be easily said, but what we hear is so different that yell shut up at the top of our lungs would feel so good.

I love you, and if anything has happened for a reason, I guess that it would be that God knew you would share your kids with me and that we would always have someone to call to cry to. It wont just go away, and your friend is right, being sad and hurting and letting the emotion out will help. It wont fix it, but it will help.

And in 15 years, when your kiddos are grown up, and we are sitting somewhere warm, in the middle of winter, enjoying a yummie drink and no carpools or tubs, maybe then, you and I will smile and know that though we wanted something sooooo bad, and needed it. Maybe then we can smile remember that the big guy sent me to you and you to me so that we could get threw this. I love you. xoxox

Dianne said...

Hey, I'm your 7th :). Such a nice, open post on something difficult to share. I remember the insensitive comments after having my boys- "when are you going to have a girl?" Of course I wanted a daughter.
Wishing you the best, you seem like a great mom. I'm sure you've thought of other options- adoption has blessed our lives more then I can say.
Thanks for your sweet comment.

Jen said...

Dianne...Thanks for your comment...It feels wonderful to be understood. Welcome to my blog...come back and visit!

Football and Fried Rice said...

Jen,

I feel your hurting heart. I, too, struggled with "secondary infertility". I grieved deeply. I, too, was crushed. I remember the day I finally laid down the desires of my heart, at the foot of the cross. Gods Redemption came a few weeks later - when we saw our little girl's face for the first time.....you never know the plans God has for you and how He will choose to reveal Himself to you!

Hugs to you!
Sara

Tina Michelle said...

Oh that was so hard to read. I am about to go into surgery that will limit my possibilities (possibly cancel them) of ever having kids. Thing is, we thought maybe we were done but hearing that doctor say having another child may not be possible was crushing. Yes I have 3 beautiful children and we are not ready for another now but maybe later.

It sucks watching other people have so many and not care about them while you sit unable to have anymore. You are entitled to your feelings and emotions. DO NOT ever discount your feelings because you are afraid. Your emotions are real and need to be heard, hugged, cried out so that you can work through them.

So write. Write until your heart is content and work through them.

*HUGS*

Julie said...

Maybe I can be reader #8 or is it 9 now? The infertility part is just plain rotten. It doesn't matter how many or how few children you have it just hurts, there is nothing easy about it. I had to learn to embrace whatever emotions I was feeling and put myself first for awhile. And I'm sure it made others uncomfortable when I answered their questions honestly but it helped me take back some control.
But yes, some day the pain will be a memory and your emptiness will fade away. You just have to find your path.